Loaf X Loaf # 7
At first, I wanted to write down my thoughts so eloquent and beautiful that it paralyzed me. Strapped to the pristine page with pen hovering, I would ask, "What if I screw it up?" Each time, I would ask. For a long time, I would ask. Making it nothing but a daunting task. I put the pen down. Page still blank. Sigh. Then one day, I did it anyway! |
All rainbows and unicorns ever since, right? Not exactly. After a fairly consistent run, I looked back through and the gawky, middle school self only saw a lapse in the daily log, "Uh-oh, I missed last Thursday!" So, rather than recording the next inspiring moment, I fixated on that skipped day. "Thursday, Thursday. What the hell did I do last Thursday?"
Obligation was the polar opposite of what I wanted within those pages. I wanted to focus on the unfolding happening from within. I wanted to capture moments of timelessness and encouragement. For a surprisingly easy and successful fix, I simply stopped dating my entries for quite some time. The next time I looked back, I smiled at what I had recorded. The date didn't matter. What I wrote did! I believe this pause and documentation of my first timid steps will anchor me as I test out how strong my wings have become. And who knows, I may fly too close to the sun, but I've got to see this through. |
I am still finding my voice and I have no set style yet. But, my chicken scratched, misspellings do document the real, romanticized, fantastical, the domestic and artistic facets of me and my little Rocky Mountain life.
I had to let go of the fear of the blank page then I had to release the guilt of skipped days. For I’d rather show up more often with all my flaws than not at all in search of perfection!